Sunday, October 12, 2008

It's Final. I'm Lost

12 October 2008

Grandma looked great today when I visited her. She usually would have her eyes closed when she's not feeling good. But today, she opened both her eyes wide open. Naturally, I felt calm and comforted to see that.

I don't know why but everytime I come to visit, my Aunt and the maid would repeatedly ask Grandma who am I. It's been a long time since she could figure it out. The very last time someone mentioned my name to her, she remembered and then gave a warm smile.

Today, when Aunt mentioned my name, Grandma could only repeat and then went into a blank stare. Is it painful? Definitely. I kept my big smile on for Grandma until I left.

Come to think of it, I am no longer myself ever since Grandma became unwell. My Life went into a topsy turvy. I can't figure out how I landed up where I am without the guidance of Grandma. No, Grandma did not advise me what to do, but she definitely is the beacon of strength and hope for me to do anything.

I have indulged myself to work for the large part of the day since 2 years ago. Many friends would scratch their head as to how I juggle studies, relationships, grassroots, volunteering, blogging, work, and many other activities. This had distracted me from whatever needed to be distracted.

In Political Science, I always enjoyed the notion of a "void" or power "vacuum". Without Communist ideology, what would fill the void in the minds of Chinese? Without communicating with Grandma, what would or had filled the void in me?

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